In response to Linda G Hill’s stream of consciousness prompt Information
She’d always kept herself informed. Ever since she was a kid, she’d liked to know stuff. She read a lot to learn things, she researched others. She needed to know everything or at least as much as she could from science to languages, from history to law. It was compulsive.
She didn’t even share what knowledge she had even though she took great pride in it. She took time to acquire the information and retain it. But she didn’t flaunt it; in fact very few people knew. She rarely mentioned it because it tended to scare people away. Friends and boyfriends alike. A guy she’d been dating for a couple of weeks left her before the end of a date. He’d wanted to appear more intelligent, more informed than he actually was. When she questioned his sources, he upped and left; ironically she had to pay the restaurant bill. She’d liked him though… so she avoided broaching serious subjects. She didn’t want people to think she liked to brag. But she kept herself informed.
Yet information proved not to be enough when it happened. One never is ready for this. One never truly was informed. Sure we hear about it, but it’s happening to others. It wouldn’t happen to her. She was always careful, and healthy. She knew the risks of ignoring the former and the latter. Taking care of herself – body and mind – was important. That was one of the reasons she kept learning after all; to keep her mind active. But knowledge wasn’t enough to keep the fear at bay.
In fact, information made things worse. She knew what stage 4 meant. She knew was metastatic meant. When these words came from the doctor’s mouth, she understood the saying “ignorance is bliss”. She’d never agreed with this before. But that day she did. It was one thing to be told she had cancer. It was another to realize she had 2 months to live. And the stages of grief? She’d read about that too but it made no sense. It meant nothing.
The world might as well end tomorrow. For her it crumbled. A black hole threatening to swallow her whole. A husband, two kids; anchors to her heart. She couldn’t give up, she would fight. But what was the point of information? It wouldn’t help her family deal with what was happening. Information doesn’t give the answer to the one thing we fear, the one question we dare not face for real: death and what happens next.
Faith isn’t information and she had no idea how to deal with that….