To be perfectly honest it has been hard to write this month. It might be the first NaNo I fail to write 50k words. I’m barely at 12k and I should be at 30k today.
I had a plan; for the first time I was attempting a romance, something new but I wanted to challenge myself. And then things went down in a way I hadn’t expected 😛 .
In my defence, things have been hectic, on too many scales.
- Work has been exhausting and challenging, keeping me distracted and coming back home as tired as I’ve been has left me with no energy to write at all. My husband’s absence for a week did nothing to help since I don’t really sleep too well when he’s away. You know how you get used to share the bed with your significant other, much the same way the first few months sharing the bed are complicated. I ran on 4 hours of sleep for 10 days and I’m still recovering.
- Life has been complicated. Over the past month, there have been losses and emotional challenges. Some I don’t really want to talk about but suffice to say that I’ve been emptied. Essentially the loss has been a huge shock and a big reality check. It’s put a number of things in perspective and I’m having a hard time finding some things that should be important (like work) to be so.
- The events in Paris on Friday. I was already numb and slightly apathetic; it just added to the sense of hopelessness. I’m not particularly hopeful in the future right now. I wish we could come together and fight this. But how? The emergency state has effectively killed the right to demonstrate. While I can see why gatherings could offer a perfect target for potential attackers, it’s also a democratic way to express support, discontent and freedom. Where will we go?
I don’t know if I’ll reach the 50k this year and for sure I’d be disappointed if I didn’t; I do enjoy a few free ebooks once in a while. But I don’t know if I’m emotionally strong enough to get through this.
I won’t give up though.